


흉년 (bad year)

by stilinscry



Series: nct drabbles [43]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 02:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14684523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stilinscry/pseuds/stilinscry
Summary: he’s in love with every single little thing about mark lee, every quirk and every habit, and that’s why it hurts so much to see him falling in love with somebody else.





	흉년 (bad year)

**Author's Note:**

> okay rules is u can be in love with someone for however long but hanahaki only develops when they start to fall in love with someone else :)

if donghyuck thinks about it, he’s probably always been a little bit in love with mark. 

in love with his stupid smile, his awkward laugh, his random english. in love with the way his eyes light up whenever someone smiles at him, or the way his eyebrows furrow when he’s confused. in love with the cross he always wears around his neck, the ratty vans always worn on his feet, the glasses he always carries in his backpack just in case he forgets his contacts. 

he’s in love with every single little thing about mark lee, every quirk and every habit, and that’s why it hurts so much to see him falling in love with somebody else.

-

it’s starts off slowly, only the basic symptoms showing, and donghyuck thinks nothing of it when he starts getting headaches more frequently, when he develops a cough. 

he makes sure to take ibuprofen a couple times a day, chugged down with some water, and thinks nothing else of it. 

it’s a mistake. 

-

it’s a mistake because not even three weeks after the headaches start, he coughs up the first petal. 

he’s laying in bed when he feels it stuck in the bottom of his throat, clinging as if trying to claw its way up and he barely makes it to the bathroom in time before he’s choking it up. 

it’s white, delicate, and it looks wrong floating in the bowl of the toilet. 

it is wrong. donghyuck shouldn’t be coughing up petals. he shouldn’t be in love with someone who could never love him back. and yet, here he is.

-

it gets worse, unsurprisingly. 

he doesn’t let anyone in the group know, too scared of the consequences, but it gets harder and harder to act like he’s okay when within a week he goes from coughing one petal up a day to a whole hand full of them. 

the burn in his throat grows with every trip to the bathroom, the pain in his stomach worsening too, but he ignores it because he has to. he’s an idol, and even skipping one dance practice would leave him leaps and bounds behind everyone else, so he powers through it. 

(another mistake.)

-

another week passes and the petals have been waning. he only coughed up two yesterday, and donghyuck wonders that if, maybe after all these years, his love for mark is finally starting to fade. he hopes so. 

his theory is proven wrong the next day when mark practically skips into the dream dorm, jaemin’s hand held in his own and almost immediately donghyuck can feel that all too familiar rush in his stomach. he excuses himself quietly, walking as casually as he can to the bathroom, and he barely has time to lift up the toilet lid before he’s choking on them. 

the petals aren’t white anymore. 

(donghyuck had googled what they were: gardenias. a symbol of secret love. ~~unrequited love.~~ )

this time they’re stained red, with what donghyuck can only assume is his own blood. he stays in the bathroom much longer than usual, knees pulled up to his chest as he sobs, trying not to think about mark and jaemin sat in the next room over. 

-

two more months pass before someone finally catches on to what’s happening. 

donghyuck’s up late at the studio again, everyone else having already gone home. he needs more practice though, needs to get everything perfect before their comeback and so he stays. 

usually when he’s dancing, he’s safe. his mind is distracted from all other things, namely mark, and so there’s no risk of coughing anything up, but donghyuck guesses it’s just not his night when his phone rings and mark’s face fills up the screen. 

his chest shakes, hand immediately coming up to cover his mouth. he can’t answer the call. he can’t do it. 

instead he runs, phone left abandoned in the practice room as he pushes into the bathroom. 

what he doesn’t expect, is to see taeyong stood at the sinks, and it catches him so off guard that he loses it. the petals push past his hand, body bending forwards as he throws them up all over the ground and all donghyuck can hope for is the ground to swallow him up. it doesn’t happen. 

instead his knees give out, and then suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder, another stroking through his hair and taeyong is whispering to him that it’s going to be alright. 

donghyuck can’t help but think he’s lying, but he doesn’t tell him that. no, instead he scoops up all the petals he’s choked up, ignoring the blood that stains his hands and he flushes them away. he ignores taeyong’s worried gaze, ignores the way his hands are clearly itching to pull donghyuck into a hug, and he suggests that maybe it’s time they both go home and get some rest. 

taeyong nods, pulling out his phone to call them a cab. 

he doesn’t speak, but he holds donghyuck’s hand the whole way home and it’s nice. comforting.

it decidedly less nice when taeyong corners him about the incident the next day. 

“you know we need to talk about this hyuck,” he says, voice low, concern written all over his face. “we need to get you treatment, before it- before it gets any worse.”

“i’m fine hyung,” donghyuck says back, though it sounds weak even to his own ears. “i just need to get over it. i’ll be fine.”

taeyong’s eyes close momentarily, his hand reaching out for donghyuck’s. “is it mark?” he asks and the way donghyuck ducks his head is answer enough. “you can’t just get over it when you spend so much time around him. you’re practically torturing yourself donghyuck. please, i hate to see you hurt.”

and donghyuck knows that he’s only trying to help, knows that taeyong only wants the best for him, but his words strike a sour chord within him. “i said i’m doing fine hyung. i’ve loved him for five years, and i’m still here right? so i’m fine. it’s fine.”

-

it's not fine. 

not even two days later he wakes up, choking on a petal caught in the back of his throat and his chest is tight, vision just starting to blur when suddenly he’s being pulled out of bed, arm’s wrapping around his chest and squeezing tight like he’s never felt before. 

it hurts as he spits the petals onto the floor, his head spinning, but it doesn’t hurt as much as the look jaehyun gives him when donghyuck finally turns back to him. 

“how long?” 

“a couple months,” donghyuck says back, but the look on jaehyun’s face tells him it’s not the answer he’s looking for. he takes a deep breath before adding on, “but, five years total. almost six now,” and he definitely needed it because jaehyun’s arms are wrapped around him again in an instant, pulling him forwards into and almost painfully tight hug. 

“i’m so sorry hyuckie, i’m so sorry,” jaehyun says, his hand rubbing circles at the base of donghyuck’s back and for the first time in a long time, donghyuck lets himself cry in front of someone else. he lets it all go. 

jaehyun doesn’t let go until his tears die down, and even then donghyuck can tell he’s hesitant to let him go too far. 

he repeats what taeyong had said, almost word for word, and dongyhuck repeats his own sentiment. “i’m fine hyung, but thank you for your concern,” he says, squeezing jaehyun one last time, and then he’s gone from his arms, cleaning up his mess and leaving the room. 

-

people always say that things get worse before they get better. 

donghyuck guesses he just got dealt with a lot more bad than good. 

weeks pass by, and what used to be simple petals have morphed into fully fledged flower heads. some even have short stems attached, ones that scratch donghyuck’s throat on the way up and leave him coughing up blood for days after. 

but still, he refuses treatment. 

he refuses to let the doctors turn him into an emotionless robot, simply because he can’t keep his feelings in check. either he’s going to get over this, or he’ll succumb to the disease. 

preferably it won’t be the latter, but honestly, donghyuck would prefer that over living for the rest of his life without the actual capacity to feel anything. to live properly. in his eyes, death is always better in that scenario. 

-

it all comes to a head maybe four months after donghyuck coughed up the first petal. 

he’s resting in the 127 dorm, watching hunter x hunter with yuta when his phone chimes with a notification, and then another. it’s mark and donghyuck’s heart drops as he reads the messages.

**[13:42] mark:** hey so uh

**[13:42] mark:** i asked jaemin to be my boyfriend today and he said yes! i’m so happy 

and donghyuck knows he should be happy too. his best friend is in a relationship, is dating someone that he’s been pining after for months and donghyuck should be happy for him but it hurts so much. 

his chest is tight, hand squeezing at yuta’s thigh before he’s stumbling up off the sofa. he doesn’t make it far though, only going two steps before his knees give in, petals spilling from his lips and then everything’s black. 

-

donghyuck wakes to the sound of voices nearby. 

“-he’ll be okay, the surgery went fantastically and now all he needs is rest. we’ll keep him in this ward for maybe a day or two more and then he’ll be moved to general care for a few more days before he can go home.”

“and the hanahaki? it’s definitely gone?”

“yes mr. lee, the disease is gone. and i’m sure you know of the side effects, but most other emotion will have been taken with it i’m afraid. some may remain, the amount differs per person, but it’s guaranteed his capacity to love is gone, both platonically and romantically.”

“he’s alive, that’s what counts.”

the doctors words play over and over again in his head.

it repeats until his head grows hazy again, and he falls back into a fitful sleep.

-

mark visits him once he’s been moved to general care and true to the doctors words, donghyuck feels nothing. 

donghyuck looks at the elder boy, looks at the worry etched deep into his features and he feels nothing at all. not love. not regret. not sadness. nothing. 

he just stares, greets the boy like any over stranger he might bump into on the street, and definitely not someone he had loved for more than half a decade. 

even when jaemin comes in too, it’s still just… nothing. 

they both cry, heads resting on the edge of donghyuck’s hospital bed as they break down and he feels nothing. nothing except a tug inside him, almost like a phantom pain, the shell of what used to be his feelings and donghyuck absentmindedly wonders if this is what it feels like to lose a limb. to know that something should be there, but it’s not anymore. 

he apologises, says sorry to both of them, but it’s empty and they all know it. 

donghyuck stays quiet after that and the pair of them leave not much later. mark ruffles his hair, jaemin kisses him on the cheek and then they’re backing out of the room. he doesn’t miss the way jaemin steps into marks side once they get into the corridor, their hands tangling together and god, donghyuck wishes he could feel something. he’d take anything over this emptiness. 

even the burning feeling of a petal working its way up his throat. 

**Author's Note:**

> wow its 4am and im sad and i wrote this all in one sitting . Ha! i want to die
> 
> im sorry hyuckie, im sorry


End file.
